Cinnamon Girl

It's spring, and I feel like I need to do a big pattern cleanup, minimize social media usage, and listen to Lana while walking around and smelling magnolias and lilacs.

Things have been mostly fine for the past couple of months! Lots of focus on kids, work, yoga, family.

Did not take this picture but this is my entire personality right now. Magnolias and chill.

I'm proud of myself for walking away from a draining and toxic relationship, when a past version of myself probably would've stayed. Time has given me perspective and clarity. While I don't regret the experience, it did bring to light a lot of truths about my patterns that are uncomfortable.

I get really discouraged when the same patterns keep coming up in my dating life, and honestly, I need to hold myself accountable for where I'm allowing myself to stay stuck instead of reinventing the wheel. Even with the best intentions, I definitely skim past early warning signs of emotional unavailability (or worse, narcissistic/abusive tendencies), and often confuse chemistry for compatibility. This was a good example of that. I knew pretty early on that there were things to be concerned about (polite understatement lol), but I gave it a chance/time/energy cause...that's what I do when I care. I muted my internal alarm system in the name of love, and .... can we stop doing that please, girl?!

Awareness is a huge component of change, but knowing and doing are different things, and I struggle most with integrating new patterns.

Why? It's habit, for sure. We go after what feels familiar, even if it's not good for us. We crave what we know, even if what we know is unsafe. Truly present, available people actually kind of scare me off, and I realize that this is so ironic, because I tend to end up in situations where I scare people off when I'm too available for them.

Every summer is a Lana summer.

I did have one really good experience in 2023 that shifted my perception on early attration and chemistry. I met someone, and initially wasn't super attracted to him. He was cute! But maybe not my 'typical' type. But, he was available for me. He communicated really well, and often. He was super smart. He opened up to me about pretty much everything. There was something so refreshing about having someone to talk to about all the stuff I'm a geek about (personal development, relationship patterns, psychology, trauma lol).

I remember at the beginning I was the one who felt smothered when he'd call all the time, or insist on having a video chat before bed every night (every night?!! yup!) But you know what? After a couple of months, our bond deepened, and I felt SAFE with him, mainly because he had put the effort into being consistent.

I never had to second-guess him. He showed up, both physically and emotionally, and I knew I could depend on him for pretty much anything. He always made me feel like he was with me cause he WANTED TO BE with me, not because of any external pressure or power imbalances. That type of dynamic was so foreign to me, that it took time to adjust to, but when I did, it was a whole different type of experience. One that felt comfortable, happy, enjoyable! Isn't that the goal?!

When we decided to stop seeing each other, it was mutual, and not due to a lack of respect or care for each other. We were just in different places. He had lost his wife the year before; I felt like he needed more space and time to grieve. I was heading off to Europe to travel for 5 weeks. Timing and different things going on just led to it ending. And you know what? He found his forever girl right after, and I was so happy for him. We weren't meant to be forever, but he definitely reminded me of what it SHOULD feel like to be in a healthy relationship.

I am trying to remember that dating doesn't have to be sooo serious, and I can and should have fun with it. I don't need to decide that someone is THE GUY for me on Day 1. I want to challenge the way I crush (even though it's soooo nice to feel that initial infatuation and adoration for someone, it's usually a sign that there is an imbalance). I want to get to know people, and believe what they show me, not what they tell me. Then decide if it fits. Give the nice guys who just want to communicate well and take me out a chance.

Above all, I want to continue to choose myself every single day. I have spent way too many years in relationships where I've given all of myself, abandoned myself, made myself literally sick, in order to prove my love. I don't need to do that anymore, and I don't want to do that anymore. I know what I have to offer to the right person, but I also know that I've consistenty accepted less than I deserve, and that is where I need to be more discerning.

In the meantime, gonna love my own company, cause no one loves me better than I love me <3